shatteredSOUL heavyHEART |jesse|

[HAVEN MARGARET STOWE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i48.tinypic.com/4v3fjd.png);] I would lie & say that you're not on my mind... Haven couldn’t find Jesse after she left the Rockport trails she shot out a text. I did something. I need you. Be home tonight. was the text she sent before she headed home. That was probably the worst place she could go. When she had gotten in her house the silence amplified her thoughts. Everything was just a mess in her mind and in her heart right now. Haven didn’t even get five feet into her house before she collapsed on the ground, soaked clothes and all. All she did while on that floor was sob while her head was bowed down into her knees. Her phone went unanswered as darkness filled her home. Only after a good hour of exhausting all the tears from her body did she get up off that floor. Food was something she didn’t want despite not eating for nearly eight hours. Neither was water. All Haven wanted was a hot bath. After she peeled her semi dried clothes from her body, Haven drew her bath. While the water ran she stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair was all matted from the snow and racking her hands through it. Eye make-up was smeared all along her cheekbones. Her skin was blotchy from what could be seen through the dried make-up. She was a mess. Her body turned to slip into the tub where she submerged her whole body. Once it was filled to her liking, Haven shut the tub off. She scrubbed at her face and then her hair. Afterwards all she did was sit there and let more tears escape. Why was a twenty-four year old with a successful business, a beautiful house and who was engaged to a handsome lawyer so sad? Well, the first two things were what she had always dreamed off just not with the third one. No, she never dreamed of doing these things with Clark. She dreamed of doing them with Louis. Everything was in such a mess. Louis had left her without even saying goodbye. He had shattered Haven into a million pieces. All the defenses she had built up over the years before him were gone. She spent a year torturing herself with anguish and guilt. Then over another year gluing herself back together until Clark came around. He as handsome, charming and great to talk to. Well, great to talk to as long as it wasn’t too personal. That as the beautiful part of their relationship. She didn’t have to expose herself to get hurt again. No, there wasn’t the intensity of their relationship like she had with Louis but she could handle that. After Louis no one would ever be able to compete with him anyways. Plus, she still hoped he would come back from his tour and want to fix things. Then the unexpected-Clark proposed. No, Haven hadn’t seen it coming at all. They sort of discussed getting married but nothing in depth. Haven thought about it for a couple minutes while he rambled on. It was then she realized that it had been over three years. Louis was never coming back. There was no use waiting around for the ghost of a relationship come and gone. So she said yes because she knew she could be happy with Clark. Or course, things became more difficult after the engagement and many of her friends didn’t like it. Still she brushed all the signs telling her not to do this out of her mind and moved on. Until that damn man came back into her life. Louis had came waltzing back in, begging her forgiveness and to give him another chance. He kissed her and she yelled. Oh how she yelled. But he had a answer for everything and tearly pleaded for her to leave her fiancée like it was so easy to do. It wasn’t. even if she still had some feelings for Louis she didn’t trust him. He had promised her over and over again that her would never leave her like everyone else in her life had. It was a promised she thought was filled with love. What a fool Haven had been. When their first real fight about something major concerning their life together came up he just ran away. He left Haven without a second thought and that’s when she vowed never to let anyone that close. Well, now she was the breaking her own rule and was a fool herself. Today they had ran into each other and chatted for a bit. Afterwards they fell into their old ways of playing with each other. They chased one another in the snow, pelting snowballs at one another until he tackled her down. Then Haven had been foolish. She got too close to him when she curled into his shoulder and then his chest. After seeing his tattoo of his saying to her and him asking if she missed them as a couple, she acted rashly. Haven just went into to seek his lips with hers while his hands started to explore her body. Oh how good it felt to have him touching her while they traded breathing for tasting one another’s tongues. Then it all came crashing down. Again Louis begged her forgiveness and she realized what she was doing was wrong. They fought hard and Haven told him not to come back here. She couldn’t think with him in town. Deep down she knew she waned to be with him. She still wanted that future of an intimate wedding in the barn, expressing their love to one another every day while their five children went running around the house. That’s the life she wanted, not the life of a being the wife of a lawyer with political ambitions. But Louis had broken that trust. He broke every promise he had made to her. That couldn’t be brought back. As she left the now chilled tub she stared blankly around the rustic bathroom. Every room felt suffocating. Haven padded along into her walk in closet. Once some undergarments were slipped on, dry socks and some jeans went on. But no shirt. No, no shirt until she unlocked her trunk of memories. The memories of her and Louis. She pawed around until she found what she wanted-a black tank top with some of his lyrics printed on it. Haven slipped that over her head before she grabbed a cd. It was the first one he had released after his contract. Haven popped it into her cd player and grabbed the bottle of red wine and the class she had brought upstairs. Haven cranked the music up and grabbed a blanket off her bed. Yes, Haven was going to torture herself. With her back against her closet wall, Haven went through the trunk. Tears fell down her eyes as she shifted through the items. A small box of dried flowers, the tin of concerts tickets, programs from art exhibits and flyers from his concerts. There was even one of his t-shirts she had kept before she brought everything to his parents. A box of photos which she rifled through. Some were pulled out and laid beside her. Finally she grabbed a bear he had gotten her. It was a grey-purple color and made of a thicker fabric. The scent of his cologne clung to it. She held her close to her while she went to lay on her side while she read letter after letter. Tears flowed until she finally drifted off to sleep on her closet floor. Photos, letters and little boxes with their tops all askew littered the floor around her. Still, she held that bear close while the very special necklace Louis had given her years prior was around her neck. notes: I mentioned what’s written on the necklace in another post, will redo here soon - tags: jesse - outfit: click!

[JESSE KAITLIN CURA]

jesse hadn't spoken to landon in three days. it felt like so much longer than that, but no. it had only been three days. she'd been so excited because it was their first real date. first and last, she thought to herself moodily. jesse had been in pretty much a constant state of 'bad mood' since it'd happened, but she was starting to come out of it a little bit. she knew she should just call landon and talk it out, but she was still so mad at him. it made her even angrier that he hadn't called her yet. after all, he was the one causing the problem. so jesse didn't feel so bad that she hadn't. if he didn't care enough to do so, then she certainly shouldn't.

most people would take a day or two off of work if they were feeling like she did, but jesse only worked harder. she through herself into, getting up early and finding no cars to work on, she began cleaning the shop, from top to bottom. the rest of her crew came in on time, surprised to find that she'd been there for a while already. jesse had given them no explanation as to why she'd done so, or why she was in such a bad mood. she'd spent the day yelling at them about random things, especially if they dared ask her a question, or locked up in her office, crying. jesse had thought that none of them could hear her, but they could. she'd come out a while later, no trace of tears, but even more temperamental than before. then she would stay long after the rest of them had gone home, still working on whatever vehicles were left. joe had tried to convince her to go home, but she'd refused. he was smart enough to know something was up, and whatever it was no doubt had to do with landon. what else could upset her so much? he liked landon; they all did, so he hoped he hadn't been a jerk or something. but he wasn't about to interfere, at least until he knew more about what had happened.

it was two in the morning by the time she finished the last vehicle. then she'd stayed to clean the shop a bit more, and by that time she figured it wasn't safe to drive home, so she'd stayed at the shop that night. the next day had gone similarly, except without the crying. jesse knew she couldn't continue this way for long, but she couldn't seem to brighten up her black mood. in cases like these landon had always been there to cheer her up, and he was so good at it. except this time he was the cause of it. and the jerk still hadn't called.

jesse had slept in late; really late, for her. it nine o'clock by the time she woke up. two nights in a row staying up til after three in the morning probably wasn't healthy. plus, she hadn't eaten much in all that time. she was ravenously hungry, once she thought about it. jesse flipped the covers off, still a little groggy, and made her way to the kitchen. she found pop tarts in the cupboard and decided to have those. they didn't requite a lot of thought to make; just pop them in the toaster. jesse checked her messages as she waited, expecting to find a voice mail or text from one of her employees, but she found nothing. they were probably happy to have her out of there for a while, with the way she'd been acting. jesse felt bad that she'd taken her anger out on them; it wasn't fair, she knew.

she'd been so deep in thought she jumped when the toaster popped up. jesse gingerly pulled them out and dropped them onto a plate. she turned the tv on, not because she really wanted to watch anything, but it was better than just staring at the wall. she clicked through a few channels as she took a bite, finally just leaving on the news. there wasn't much to report, in such a small town, but they found enough to last for a while. jesse smiled as she thought of the times her and landon would watch it, cracking jokes at the 'top stories'. then she frowned, turned it off and quickly finished her breakfast. she didn't know whether to go into work or not. she'd probably just make everyone's day bad, so it was probably better not to.

jesse made some coffee, then jumped in the shower. she felt a lot better after that, and her dark mood was lifting a bit. she didn't feel the best. a little lightheaded, but the shower had helped. jesse threw on some comfy clothes, then blow dried her hair. it didn't feel like a makeup sort of day, so she didn't bother. she decided to get some shopping done, since she was running low on groceries. that would take up some time, at least, since she really wasn't sure what to do with the rest of her day. it was cold out, even for her, so she pulled her coat on, a hat, boots, scarf and gloves. there was only one grocery store that she went to, since it had better prices than the other one. jesse was good at keeping track of sales, couponing and comparing prices. and she was even better at finding clothing deals.

she finished her shopping sooner than expected, so she decided to go to the cafe for some coffee and maybe a small snack. jesse got a small coffee and a muffin, than sat down, pulling the book of poetry out that she always kept with her. she sipped at her coffee, occasionally pulling off a piece of muffin and read for a while. jesse soon finished the muffin, though, and could find no other reason to stay, being tired of reading, so she left. she drank the rest of her coffee on the way home, helping to keep her warm. once there, she removed her winter gear and laid down on the couch. she fell asleep there, trying to think of what to do. jesse woke up to her phone buzzing. it was a lot darker now, she realized as she glanced out the window. she groaned a little, sitting up some and reading the text. it was haven. it was short, to the point and it didn't sound good.

jesse got up, slipped on a pair of sneakers, her coat and a hat. grabbing her keys she hurried to her car and got in. she tried to ignore the fact that it was freezing, especially since the temperature had dropped some since her earlier trip. jesse didn't even know how long she'd slept, since she hadn't thought to check the time before leaving. haven's house wasn't too far, so the car didn't have much time to warm up, but she didn't really care. jesse was just worried about her. had something happened between her and clark? that was all she could think of, but it didn't seem all that likely. they got along great for the most part. at least, that she was aware of. but then, haven told her everything, and vice versa.

she parked her car and got out, almost forgetting to lock it, then hurried to the door. jesse knocked, waited a few seconds then knocked again, this time calling haven's name. she tried the handle and found it locked, then remembered the key she'd given her. she quickly unlocked the door, partly because she was so cold, and stepped in. haven? jesse called, uncertainly. she walked into the kitchen, finding it empty, as well as the living room. the only other place she could be was her bedroom, of course, so she went there.

jesse's jaw dropped a little when she walked in. the floor of the walk in closet was covered with pictures, letters and all sorts of merchandise, and she knew exactly what it was all from. not to mention that it was his music blaring. louis fitch had obviously come back into haven's life. she quietly crossed the room to her, trying not to startle her awake. jesse sat next to her and gentle laid a hand on her arm as she said her name, quietly. she could have just let her sleep, but she was sure she needed to talk.

- tag : haven
- notes : a bit long. lol
- words : one four seven nine
- music : none
- outfit : here
- credit : template brought to you by The_Actress. lyrics from RIVER by LIGHTS!

[HAVEN MARGARET STOWE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i48.tinypic.com/4v3fjd.png);] I would lie & say that you're not on my mind... As Haven went through the items in the trunk she poured herself a glass of wine which she didn’t delicately sip. Whenever something really got to her she downed a large gulp of it. This led to her going through about four glasses fairly quickly. Haven didn’t like to drown her sorrows in a bottle. She had seen too many people who had been in the system leave and end up addicted to the bottle. Today was just a day where wine was needed. She was already having troubles sleeping and wine was the only thing that helped. If it continued she would probably just go get something from her doctor. There was only so long that Haven could go without sleep. Especially since once she passed out on the closet floor she was so deeply out that she could hardly be roused back up without some force. Haven hadn’t even heard Jesse come in. Between the music, the bit of wine she had drank and all the tears spilled form her body she was drained. It took a bit to stir her from her dreamless sleep. When she saw who she was peering up at Haven felt relieved. Though Clark wasn’t supposed to be home for awhile who knew when he’d ever come around. He was notorious for “surprise” visits which were his way of saying he was stressed at work and needed out of the city. Never was a surprise visit for her. ”Well aren’t we bot rays of sunshine.” haven wasn’t trying ot be cruel but it looked like Jesse hadn’t been having the best day either. As Haven ground the sleep out of her eyes she dropped the letter she had been gripping. That alerted her to look around her. Haven had forgotten she fell asleep on the floor of her closet with her things scattered about. That panic feeling began to set in again as she sat herself up. Everything about today rushed back over her. With legs crossed in front of her, she set the bear in the little nook her legs made. Her fingers played with the ear thoughtfully as tears shone in her eyes though she did better to hold them back. That didn’t mean she could keep her voice from cracking as she shook her head mostly out of confusion then anything else. ”Jesse I messed up bad. Like real bad. Only, I-I don’t know where it was that I messed up.” Was it in not fighting for Louis harder? Was it for not doing better to move on? What about being engaged to Clark? What about the fact she even trying to be friends with Louis or the fact that trying to be friendly had led to intense kissing earlier? Where was it exactly Haven had messed up because really she wasn’t sure. Haven felt shame for throwing herself on him earlier when on the trails but she didn’t feel guilty. Guilty meant it had to be wrong and truthfully, Haven didn’t think that kissing Louis was so wrong. If she could she’d do it again just she wasn’t sure if she could just forgive him for what he had done. Haven didn’t trust anyone not to hurt her anymore because he had been the final straw. Even though she was close to Jesse she was also prepared for her to just walk out of Haven’s life without so much as a goodbye. That’s how much people had disappointed Haven over the years that not even her best friend, fiancée or sister walking away from her would surprise her. notes: I mentioned what’s written on the necklace in another post, will redo here soon - tags: jesse - outfit: click!

[JESSE KAITLIN CURA]

jesse rarely turned to alcohol for anything. it wasn't that she didn't drink, or have anything against it or people who did, it just wasn't a priority for her. plus, she technically wasn't allowed, since she was still underage. not that that stopped her when she wanted to go out for drinks with friends. when she was upset about something, however, like her fight with landon, she usually didn't turn to alcohol. jesse would just find things to occupy her time and her mind so she wasn't constantly thinking about whatever her troubles were at the time. it worked, somewhat, but she'd still rather do that then get smashed. her mom had called the night it happened, but she hadn't told her about it. the last thing she needed to hear was 'i told you so'. and jesse knew that's exactly what her mom would have said to her.

after she sat beside haven, she noticed the bottle of wine and the glass. well, jesse didn't blame her. in fact, she was feeling like she needed a glass herself. but that could wait. she was supposed to be here for her friend, so she pushed the thoughts of her own troubles away and focused on haven. jesse smiled at her when she finally came to, though it wasn't one of her normal, happy smiles. it was a bit of a sad and sympathetic one. she gave a short laugh of agreement as she nodded, feeling like she was going to cry, but holding it back as best she could. jesse sat, ready to listen, as haven seemed to pull herself together a little and sit up. she still looked as if she was going to cry, though, which only made jesse want to more so.

jesse listened, somewhat in confusion to what haven was telling her. she leaned forward, giving her a hug that she figured they both needed by this time, then sat back, taking her hand and looking at her. just tell me what happened, haven. jesse really couldn't say much until she knew, but at least one thing was clear. haven wasn't blaming it on louis, which she thought a bit odd. what had happened between the two? something far worse than the fight her and landon had been in, definitely. that was looking like small potatoes, compared to this. after all, couples fought all the time. but that didn't make her feel any better about the situation. jesse wasn't about to bring up her problems to haven right now, though. she had enough on her plate as it was. she just hoped she wouldn't ask about the two of them, because she couldn't really lie about it. she told haven everything. mind if i have some? jesse asked, motioning to the wine.

- tag : haven
- notes : a bit long. lol
- words : four six four
- music : none
- outfit : here
- credit : template brought to you by The_Actress. lyrics from RIVER by LIGHTS!

[HAVEN MARGARET STOWE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i48.tinypic.com/4v3fjd.png);] I would lie & say that you're not on my mind... Haven wasn’t drunk. Maybe a bit buzzed but not drunk . She actually hadn’t intended to drunk as much as she did but it sort of happened. It’s why she didn’t drink very often at all. Maybe her subconscious wanted something that she didn’t which is why she stopped caring about how much she was having. If she had more it’d be maybe one more glass and Haven would milk it. She didn’t want this to define her. That and she had to go to work tomorrow. Her hands ran through her hair in an attempt to smooth out where it had gotten matted from laying on the floor while it was still damp. All while she adjusted herself so she was sitting up straight next to Jesse and cross legged. When Jesse said for Haven to tell her what happened all she did was gaze around for a moment. ”Louis came back to Maine. After four years he’s finally back,” she half laughed out while tears sprang to her eyes. Laughter seemed to be what her body did to deal with these messed up emotions. As she used the backs of her forefingers to wipe under her eyes Haven nodded. ”Yeah sure.” She grabbed the bottle to Jesse. Who cares if they drank from the same bottle? It was just them and this was Haven’s personal bottle of wine. Clark hated wine so he couldn’t say anything about it. She felt her foot falling asleep so moved so her feet were flat on the floor while her knees pulled up towards her chest. A heavy sigh left her lips as she grabbed a photo of her and Louis after one of his concerts. He had brought her up on stage after the last song-their song-and kissed her right there in front of the crowd. It had been embarrassing and romantic all at once. Haven didn‘t tear her eyes from the photo as she spoke. ”Last week he came here to see me. He wanted to apologize for what happened. Like an apology could just wipe away him leaving and not making any effort to call these past four years.” Frustrated chortles left her lips as her chest heaved. She could feel her heart racing like a heart in her chest. ”Then...then he kissed me and I kissed back but only for a moment. I blew up at him. I was angry he came home and angry he left me all alone when he knew my past-” Haven started to get choked up so she breathed in through her nose and held the air in her lungs for a moment before releasing it through her mouth. She did this four times before she continued. ”I told him I was getting married and to leave. Then he had the audacity to question my feelings for Clark. He actually laughed about it and told me to leave my fiancée; that he’d do anything win me back. I slapped him but he kept pushing and pushing for me to come back so I finally walked away so he’d leave. I told him to not come back if he couldn’t just be friends.” ”But that wasn’t the end of it. I went to the Rockport Trails today and he ended up coming around. I decided to try to be friends since he was going to be home for awhile. We talked for a bit before he decided to start a snowball fight. I was so stupid I just went right along with playing with him.” Haven’s head shook as she finally tossed the photo next to her. Her body leaned forward so her chin could rest on her knees which made her look slightly childish. ”When we were done we kept talking about his tour while we laid on the ground. Again I was stupid and fell into old habits and laid my head on him. Well he-I guess he had an itch or it could’ve been on purpose but he had to lift his shirt to scratch at his side and I saw a tattoo he had gotten. ‘Vous et Moi pour tout l'infini.’ You and me for all of Infinity. One half of our saying. And then he asked me if I missed us and....and…” Haven trailed off as she launched her body backwards against the wall of the closet and covered her face with her hands. It’s not like she had an issue with telling Jesse anything. She told Jesse everything going on in her life. Just Haven felt ashamed. ”Well I kissed him. And not just once either. I probably wouldn’t have stopped if he didn’t beg for me back again.” Her hands slipped down her face before each one rested along the crook between her neck and shoulder. ”Then we fought again and I told him to stay away from Hope Harbor.” Sure there were some minor details here and there left out but Haven had told Jesse everything worth knowing. That was so hard for her to do because that meant admitting that in a sense she had cheated. This was Haven’s lowest point in a long time. ”He sould’ve just stayed away. I was doing just fine without him and then he comes back here. I hate him.” notes: I mentioned what’s written on the necklace in another post, will redo here soon - tags: jesse - outfit: click!